Fingers crossed and things that go bump.....

Fingers crossed, originally uploaded by Toby Holmes Illustration.

So I haven't blogged much lately, in fact I haven't done very much of anything lately. I've ummed and ahhed about sharing what's going on because I'm a pretty private sort of person for the most part. I've decided that I think I'm going to share because I've been reading about other peoples similar experiences and it's helped and maybe someone might find this post oneday and it might help them get through it too.

OK.....deep breath....here goes.

At Christmas time I was very surprised to find out I'm pregnant. Surprise baby no. 3 set to arrive a couple of days after my birthday. This was not what I had planned for this year....at.....all! Nevermind, we thought. It'll be fine and just means we might have to get a bigger car and finish the house a little sooner than planned.

Little did I know then the emotional rollercoaster I'd be taking over the next 16 weeks. Being over 35 there was lots of talk of 'trisomy disorders' and advanced maternal age (I'm 36 people...not 56, sheesh) but I was confident there'd be no such dramas for me, having two very healthy little boys as proof of my baby making powers.

As the sickness and tiredness of early pregnancy enveloped me I felt reassured by their presence that the little creature within was fine and healthy. I went along to my 13 week nuchal scan without a care in the world, eager to see what was going on inside. Everything looked as it should but then a bomb was dropped.....in combination with my 'advanced maternal age', my blood tests indicated a very high and scary risk of a disorder 'incompatible with life'. I cried like a baby. I rang my husband and cried some more. I was numb and lost and sad and scared.

My Dr, bless her, said I should call her at any time in the next few days if I needed to....and I needed to, that's for sure. A couple of hours after getting home, bad news hanging over me like a storm cloud I discovered that I was bleeding.....a lot. I couldn't believe it and was convinced that the risk was true and my body had just realised too. In a way I felt relieved that if something was wrong it would naturally fix itself. In a way I felt it was way too much to happen in one day. My Dr said I should come in the next day to see what was going on. I did. The creature, oblivious to all the fuss was bouncing around in it's bubble, safe, sound and well. It was a hard week, hoping the bleeding would stop....wondering if my little one did indeed have a disorder that would see it die soon after birth...if it made it that far.

I decided to have an amniocentesis to know for sure if there was a problem or not. I had to wait 3 weeks so the baby could be big enough to cope with the procedure.....3 weeks of wondering, of googling, it got hard towards the end and I'm eternally grateful to the few friends who know what's going on who've thought of me during this time. I feel lucky to know you.

On Monday I had the amnio. It was scary and it hurt but I promised myself I wouldn't cry about all this anymore so I didn't. On Tuesday I found out that there's too much old blood in the fluid to get the early results......I have to wait another 2 weeks....2 weeks is a long time to wonder but I'm reassured that my little creature looks good and healthy, is growing consistently and has a healthy strong heart.

Only time will tell if there's anything wrong. It certainly seems as though everything is fine but there's still a risk and it's yuck.

I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst. Cross your fingers for me and my little creature.